I’m an irresponsible mother. A bad housekeeper. Not very good at being thrifty, even when I try hard at it. These are things I can change, with time and lots of effort. I’m not all bad, I know I have good qualities, but all too often it is these things and others that fill my head. Is it better to think highly of yourself at all times and become vain, or to think poorly of yourself and become depressed? I know that it is important to have balance in this, but it is a hard road to travel. Understanding that it is by grace that I am saved and not by works should certainly help in this process of finding balance. It is very important to acknowledge it is not the state of my house or that fact that Elias is potty trained or not that pleases or displeases God, but rather the state of my heart that matters. And I will admit readily that my heart is often just as cluttered and out of shape as my house.
I suspect that if my heart was right and clean more often, I would either have an easier time keeping things neat, or I would be less bothered by its clutter and mess. I don’t know whether that suspicion is right on or way off, but in the past, when I’ve been on better terms with God, I have been less stressed in general.
So what does this mean? Basically, things are feeling out of control too much of the time. I still hate doing housework just as much as I always have, but I also have a two and a half year old that refuses to be potty trained. I blame myself and my laziness for that one, as I should have started Elias sooner and stayed on it steadily like I did with Jenny. My house may seem somewhat presentable half of the time, but it’s just the surface that looks good – kind of like when people clean everything up by putting it all in the closet. It may look good, but once you open the closet door, everything falls out and it’s worse than before. I need organization and it’s just not something I’m good at. I need help. While I have friends that would help me, that help would be temporary and would only change my house, rather than change the way I am. I know deep down that I can only turn to God to help me with this. Some may say that He is too lofty to care about these things, but I know better. I know that He wants the best for our home, including things being in good working order. I know He wants me to use my time for better purposes, rather than using it to either avoid housework or stew about having to do it.
Anyway, this is a bit deeper than I usually go on this blog, but this is what came out when I started writing, so it must have been needed. I don’t know what the plan of action should be now, but I’m going to give it thought and prayer and hopefully it won’t take long to understand what God wants me to do.