“Insert clever title here”

Yes, folks, it’s that bad.  I have plenty to write about but don’t even know what to call it.  I’m not even sure how to write about it. 

I have come to the conclusion that I am under some sort of attack.  I feel depressed, out of place, friendless and utterly without motivation.  I looked forward to today for weeks – my second craft and hobby day, hopefully starting a tradition of craft days every other month (the first one was in May).  I couldn’t think of what to work on and then when I went ten minutes early to set up, it was pointless.  I was alone for an hour and fifteen minutes.  My sister-in-law showed up at that point, and the wife and daughter of our children’s pastor came another hour later.  My mother-in-law came shortly after them to visit for awhile, but not to work on anything.   She left and my sister-in-law left shortly after that.  I went for lunch and came back and still there were only three of us there.  A friend of mine came in the afternoon to see what we were doing and then left five minutes after she got there.  I was then left alone at three-fifteen until it ended at four.  At that point, I knew that I could have left, but I was actually being productive, so I stayed until four and then packed everything up and put things back.  I threw out two pots of coffee and have now just remembered that I forgot to wash the carafes out, which is a big deal at our church.

I’m stressed.  I wish I could give up every responsibility outside of my home.  Mike and I are now in charge of a weekly ministry that we are tiring of in our fourth year.  We are not passionate about it and it interferes with our family all too often.  If our kids were older I imagine it wouldn’t be so bad, but as it is, we either have to bring them all with us or one of us stays home with them and the other goes alone. 

I want out.  I want a break.  I’m tired of saying yes because I know that no one else will do it.  I’m tired of putting my efforts into a church that has practices I totally disagree with.  I’m tired of going to a church where I just wish the service would end because it’s so lifeless.  I hate the feeling that I have to stay, that we have to stay.  I suspect that if we left it would cause a rift in our family and I just don’t feel willing to do that right now.

I’m tired.  No, I’m exhausted.

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4 Comments

Filed under Faith, Life, in general, Rants

4 responses to ““Insert clever title here”

  1. Tara Lokstet

    aw. attack for sure. I am glad you wrote your blog today. I am feeling down lately and need anything to fill some boredom wasting space. I hope you do say no to things. If you are feeling so overwhelmed then family comes first. It will still be there when your kids grow up and maybe someone will feel the need to fill the void once you leave. I have so much that I want to be doing and have realised that I just can’t no matter how people look at me and no matter how much I want to. I am tired and tomorrow I will just be more tired. I hope you get a change in your life soon to lift your spirit.

  2. Katie

    Thanks, Tara. I am feeling pretty dissatisfied with church right now and that really doesn’t help when I’m committed to so many things there. We’re going to do a church tour just to get some air – not necessarily to change churches, but just to get out of the box for a bit. I’m in the nursery all through this month (I requested that) so we’ll start in October.
    By the way, I took your number off of your comment so that you wouldn’t get any weirdos calling you. 🙂

  3. Attack, maybe. This also sounds alot like pregnancy…is that possible?;)

    Let me say that I JUST resigned from a position I was volunteering in that was starting to feel like the weight of the world on my shoulders! I feel SO free!

    I couldn’t figure out if I should get out, but I was literally praying that God would just deliver me! I believe he did.

    I was also just telling my parents how I really just want to focus on my husband and my children. I just want to say no to every obligation outside of them because really…that is enough for one person!

    I think we feel obligated to volunteer because no one wants to do something and in theory, we don’t work outside the home, so maybe we should do it. Wrong! I think this is wrong because we are VERY busy and no one else can be mommy to my kids and wife to my husband.

    I’m am so with you! I want to be free from any obligation outside of my family as well, at least for this season!

  4. Anna

    Now that I know you’re pregnant this all makes a bit more sense! I feel your pain regarding feeling friendless. Just longing for someone that is in the same stage of life, to be able to share & fellowship with someone. We have gotten to know my cousin a bit more she is married, we see them every few months. Otherwise we don’t have any married friends here. I really miss my friends & church family in Mexico. I pray that you are filled with His presence that you would know that He is there with you & will provide for your every need. It’s so wonderful when tiny things fall into place, like a beautiful evening, a special comment from someone you wouldn’t expect or a Bible verse that stands out in such a way that addresses a void that you had. I also pray you have a circle of friends that will come around you & fellowship with you. As for having struggles with church, it’s so frustrating I know! We’ve been going to my parent’s church because we didn’t have a car to go anywhere else & what an empty lifeless few hours spent looking at the clock! I hope that you find the teaching & church family that you are looking for, either there or in another location. It would be so nice to be able to visit with you in person again… maybe that will happen again one day, who knows. This comment is a bit all over the place but I guess I just want to say that I feel at least some of what you’re going through & truly hope that you find peace in these areas of your life.

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