Yes, folks, it’s that bad. I have plenty to write about but don’t even know what to call it. I’m not even sure how to write about it.
I have come to the conclusion that I am under some sort of attack. I feel depressed, out of place, friendless and utterly without motivation. I looked forward to today for weeks – my second craft and hobby day, hopefully starting a tradition of craft days every other month (the first one was in May). I couldn’t think of what to work on and then when I went ten minutes early to set up, it was pointless. I was alone for an hour and fifteen minutes. My sister-in-law showed up at that point, and the wife and daughter of our children’s pastor came another hour later. My mother-in-law came shortly after them to visit for awhile, but not to work on anything. She left and my sister-in-law left shortly after that. I went for lunch and came back and still there were only three of us there. A friend of mine came in the afternoon to see what we were doing and then left five minutes after she got there. I was then left alone at three-fifteen until it ended at four. At that point, I knew that I could have left, but I was actually being productive, so I stayed until four and then packed everything up and put things back. I threw out two pots of coffee and have now just remembered that I forgot to wash the carafes out, which is a big deal at our church.
I’m stressed. I wish I could give up every responsibility outside of my home. Mike and I are now in charge of a weekly ministry that we are tiring of in our fourth year. We are not passionate about it and it interferes with our family all too often. If our kids were older I imagine it wouldn’t be so bad, but as it is, we either have to bring them all with us or one of us stays home with them and the other goes alone.
I want out. I want a break. I’m tired of saying yes because I know that no one else will do it. I’m tired of putting my efforts into a church that has practices I totally disagree with. I’m tired of going to a church where I just wish the service would end because it’s so lifeless. I hate the feeling that I have to stay, that we have to stay. I suspect that if we left it would cause a rift in our family and I just don’t feel willing to do that right now.
I’m tired. No, I’m exhausted.