I’ve finally broken down and cried.  I could weep for an hour if I had the time.

My kids are happy, laughing, playing.  Safe.  Supper is nearly ready.  Mike is nearly home. 

But he’s worked seven days in a row and he will still have to work for the next four at least. 

My grandma is dying.  Admitting that hurts.  I want to have hope and believe that she’ll live ten more years, but things are not good.  And while I have distanced myself from my grandparents by having my own children, I still remember when my grandparents ranked pretty high on my list of important people. 

I’m a realist – as they have aged, I have admitted to myself over and over that they don’t have much longer to live.  I’ve thought about how I’ll cry over them but move on. 

I think it’s still true, but it’s not going to be quite that easy.  Especially when I am waiting like this, expecting bad news every day.

I’m so incredibly weary.  There is no other word for it.  How do military wives do it?  How do they live through their husbands being gone for months, years even?  How do they manage to parent children who hardly know their own fathers?  I feel so weak – if this is hard, I certainly couldn’t manage what they do.

At this point, I’m not sure when I’ll ever be past this.  I know it sounds pessimistic, but it’s just how I feel.



Filed under Life, in general, Melancholy

4 responses to “Untitled

  1. I didn’t think I would react badly to my Grandpa dying (and he has made a recovery after being on his death bed!) and he has had cancer and all. I felt really neutral on the the fact. When I heard he was sick I broke down crying. He is a very distant man but I still had so much emotion. I wanted him to meet my baby, I wanted to make sure he was on his way to Heaven, I wanted to see him before he was gone…. You never know how you’ll really feel. You can’t prepare yourself. I pray God gives you a sense of peace about it all. I was going to leave you a message earlier but now I will. I hope you are making time for yourself. You are important and the foundation for so many things in your home. Don’t forget, and don’t take it lightly, to get out of the house at least twice a week. I am sad that the young moms in the church have moved on. Maybe you should rebirth that. I bet there are new up and coming moms right now that aren’t starting kindergarten and such. You need a bigger support. I know you don’t have the home for it but even if you all meet for coffee at McDonalds while kids play or something….Becca might be done school and have to wait to take her next semester until next fall. She has a licence and would drag Amy with her…just an idea if she doesn’t get into her program in January you could ask her. Or at least get her to babysit and get out of there:)

    • Katie

      I waver between feeling like I DO need a bigger support, and feeling like this home and these kids are my responsibility and I shouldn’t need the support. It’s hard for me to find a balance on how to feel – what would a “Godly mother” feel?

  2. Anounymous

    Katie, even a Godly mother needs support… It’s not a bad thing to have support at all, by having support, you are allowed an oppotunity to let off some of what you have been holding in or misplacing… having support to hold you up in a time of need is not much different than Aaron supporting Moses.. I would look at it like this; having support allows you to be a better wife/mom because you are not quite so burdened down… Death or illness can both be emotionally exhausting times.. praying for you sweet friend!

    • Katie

      Thanks! I think my brain just needs to get in line with my heart. I also need to stop trying to live up to the Proverbs 31 woman – she’s just too perfect to be real.

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