Therapy or not therapy?

There is a part of me that knows that I seriously – seriously – need counselling.  There are many things in my past that ought to be addressed in a professional manner – things that have left me royally screwed up.

There is another part of me – the one that has been winning out for the last eight or nine years – that refuses to even go there.  I have a good life.  We’re not broke, we’re healthy and happy most of the time.  Our children appear to be very well balanced and are intelligient.  This part of me firmly believes that if I pretend to be okay, I’ll be okay.  If I read my Bible every day, keep going to church, talk to my husband honestly and regularly and try to have a small break from my kids now and then, I’ll be fine. 

The first part knows that the second part is a crock.  The second thinks the first ought to stay buried in the past.  They are waging war in my mind all the time.  One of these days someone is going to have to win.  I wonder all the time which it will be.

Maybe I should just start a poll – should I get some help or not?

I do not believe that I am clinically depressed, and while my brief stint in therapy years ago had me looking into whether I might be bi-polar, I am pretty sure I’m not that, either.  Is it okay to get help if you can’t be diagnosed with something?  There is something in my brain telling me that in order to need counselling, you have to be diagnose-able (nice word, hey?).  What if I can’t be diagnosed with anything?  Does it make me just plain crazy or not crazy at all?  Emotionally unstable?  Mentally unstable? 

I have no idea.  None at all.

And something tells me things are just going to keep on like they have.  I’m not strong enough for people to know that I’m in counselling.  Does that sound weird?  I’m afraid my children will be taken away from me; that my husband’s family will feel I am unfit and will take them away.  It’s not like they have ever said anything about it, but they’re all just so normal and healthy and sane

I’m a little bit exhausted at this point.  I’m going to go grocery shopping now.

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6 Comments

Filed under Life, in general, Melancholy

6 responses to “Therapy or not therapy?

  1. I have so much fear of having anyone and everyone, especially family, know that I am struggling and why. I even fear to tell my counsellor/ therapist the darkest things. I fear that I am losing it. I used to even think sometimes that if I didn’t fight it or press on, it would leave me alone….that was a dark time. I do feel like you can overcome but I still fear everytime I post a blog article or anytime that I say things a little too deep. But now I know the worst part, that if you bury losses, of any kind of pain, it could manifest it horrible ways. Our spirits and minds and bodies are connected (of course) and I feel like my soul is sick…I don’t know about you. I was never diagnosed with anything. Dr.Pelser just originally gave me antidepressants for my anxiety after my miscarriage. They then send you to a counsellor automatically. That lady talked down to me and I hated it but now I have a christian counsellor that I trust. And once I let a few people in, they gave me help without too much pity and it has changed things for the good. I still argue in myself about letting time heal or using medicine to heal. I think both can be used together. Prayers your way…..

    • Katie

      Thanks. I greatly value your opinion and thoughts on just about any subject, so this is helpful. I think it’s just a question of what wins out inside me. Only time will tell.

  2. Carly

    You’re definitely not crazy and I don’t think you have anything that could be “diagnosed”. I know you’ve been through lots over the years and I actually think it would be a great idea to go see a Christian counsellor. They’ll help you unleash those hidden anxieties etc. and just help you deal with it. It’s not “therapy” really, but just getting support from someone who is professionally trained to help you. I vote you should definitely go talk to someone. It will help and you won’t regret it. I’ve had to do lots of talking about things I have dealt with emotionally in my past to supportive people around me in order to deal with it.

  3. Rigel

    *hugs*

    I don’t have any answers for you, but I just wanted to comment to say, “I love you no matter what.”

  4. Anounymous

    I think therapy, better Christian therapy, is a great idea!! you don’t have to be diagnosed w/ anything to need a safe place to let things out; to start a process of healing.. I say, go for it!! No one will think less of you for it! At least I won’t!

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