There is a part of me that knows that I seriously – seriously – need counselling. There are many things in my past that ought to be addressed in a professional manner – things that have left me royally screwed up.
There is another part of me – the one that has been winning out for the last eight or nine years – that refuses to even go there. I have a good life. We’re not broke, we’re healthy and happy most of the time. Our children appear to be very well balanced and are intelligient. This part of me firmly believes that if I pretend to be okay, I’ll be okay. If I read my Bible every day, keep going to church, talk to my husband honestly and regularly and try to have a small break from my kids now and then, I’ll be fine.
The first part knows that the second part is a crock. The second thinks the first ought to stay buried in the past. They are waging war in my mind all the time. One of these days someone is going to have to win. I wonder all the time which it will be.
Maybe I should just start a poll – should I get some help or not?
I do not believe that I am clinically depressed, and while my brief stint in therapy years ago had me looking into whether I might be bi-polar, I am pretty sure I’m not that, either. Is it okay to get help if you can’t be diagnosed with something? There is something in my brain telling me that in order to need counselling, you have to be diagnose-able (nice word, hey?). What if I can’t be diagnosed with anything? Does it make me just plain crazy or not crazy at all? Emotionally unstable? Mentally unstable?
I have no idea. None at all.
And something tells me things are just going to keep on like they have. I’m not strong enough for people to know that I’m in counselling. Does that sound weird? I’m afraid my children will be taken away from me; that my husband’s family will feel I am unfit and will take them away. It’s not like they have ever said anything about it, but they’re all just so normal and healthy and sane.
I’m a little bit exhausted at this point. I’m going to go grocery shopping now.