The strangest part of this..whatever it is…is that I have such a hard time remembering things.  When I’m feeling really, really, awful, I try hard to remember good times I’ve had recently.  I know I’ve had really good times with friends, with Mike and the kids, but I just can’t remember them in any detail if it’s been more than a week or so since they happened.  I tell myself that if I focus on the positive things in the past, I can imagine them happening again.  The problem is that I just can’t remember them – no matter how hard I try.

Also attached to this memory problem is the fact that I do things – like send an email – and within thirty seconds, I can’t actually remember if I’ve hit the send button or not.  I actually emailed my dad a second time a few weeks ago because I honestly had no recollection of whether I hit send or not.  Turns out I should have checked my sent mail folder first…

I’ve always had issues with short term memory, but never this bad.  It’s like walking quickly through a busy room with only one thought in your head – reaching the door.  Once you are outside in the quiet, you might remember glimpses of people or things happening, but generally the whole experience is a blur.  It should be a blur – that was the point – get through the room and out the door.  What is in the room doesn’t matter. 

But when the “room” is equal to a week or a month or a year, this lack of memory becomes distressing.

At this point, there are two options in my  mind; hypothyroidism, for which I have much of the symptoms (and family history on both sides), or postpartum depression.  The list of symptoms are remarkably similar. 

Right now I’d take the thyroid problem any day.  Something physical that can be fixed with medication or the avoidance of certain foods.  I actually told Mike last night that I’d rather have cancer than postpartum depression.  And I meant it.

I just can’t imagine getting a whole lot of support or sympathy from certain people if this ends up being postpartum depression that I’m suffering from.  In fact, I can’t imagine telling anyone in the family if that is my diagnosis.  A diagnosed physical problem would certainly elicit a few more offers of help.  And a physical problem can be fixed.  I want to fix this.  It’s killing me.



Filed under Illness and Injury, Life, in general, Melancholy

10 responses to “Memory

  1. I want to come shake you. Instead I will pray for you. I am one step ahead of you..just one! Why would I want to shake you. Because then maybe you wouldn’t have to sruggle. I don’t like seeing my friends struggling. I am too struggling with diagnosis and I don’t want to know either cause I don’t want medication but that isn’t the only way. I will shut up now cause I am not so wise to tell you what to do but I am worried:(

    • Katie

      I’m going to the doctor on the 8th.
      If this is depression of some kind, I will not be going on medication – I’ll have to find other means of dealing with it that won’t make pregnancy and breastfeeding an issue.
      If this is a thyroid issue and it’s mild, I’ll get something from the health food store. If it’s severe, I’ll go to the naturopath. I was sick a lot growing up and I got handed pills, pills, pills. I don’t want pills.
      Anyway, I understand the sentiment. I feel like shaking people sometimes, too. I don’t like seeing people struggle either.

  2. I understand, having gone through it myself, that you do not want to have postpartum depression. If you do, though, you are not alone. It’s temporary and treatable. Please come visit us at Postpartum Progress and see all the amazing women who are going through it.

    You don’t necessarily have to take medication – therapy can be very effective in treating PPD.

  3. Sarah

    Praying for you Katie!

  4. Anounymous

    Praying for you as you navigate through whatever this is…

    And I like the new look.. 🙂

  5. terri

    Katie, do you take vit d? also you could be suffering from SAD.. basicall]y lack of sunlight. I know I do and have to be mindful to get outside when the sun is out.. or even go tanning…

    I will also be adding you to my prayer list.. and covet the same 🙂

    • Katie

      I do take vitamin D, but maybe not enough. I’m not sure. I don’t really think it’s SAD, but who knows. We have lots of blue sky and sunlight here, even though our temperatures are a lot colder than back home. I actually feel like I’ve done better through the winter here than I ever did growing up with all the rain and grey skies.

      Thanks, Terri. When I think of you I’ll pray. That’s more or less the way my prayer list works – when I promise prayer to people, I feel like I’m letting them down, but if I just try to pray for them when they’re on my mind, I know I’m doing what I can.

  6. Like Katherine, I wish you the best and pray you don’t have PPD, either. But if you do, we’ll be there for you. Also, please check out for resources.

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