I saw the doctor today. I had a full physical that was almost entirely conducted by a student – but hey, they’ve got to get their practice in somewhere. I will go for bloodwork as soon as possible to see if this is possibly a thyroid problem or other physical issue that is causing my “mood” problems. I think the student was leaning pretty heavily towards post-partum depression, but he did say that we would only address that as a problem if all the bloodwork comes back normal.
So, for now, I’m still in limbo. I was explaining to the student today that I tend to have anywhere from two to ten days of down, followed by no more than two days of up – the kind of up that feels manic and unnatural – and then I tend to go back to “normal” for awhile. This isn’t constant and I do have months sometimes when I stay “normal” the whole time. But I just don’t feel like myself. Even my doctor said that I’m right – there is something wrong because, as she put it, I “don’t have that customary sparkle in your eyes”. I’m glad I have such an observant doctor. 🙂
I’m feeling….okay, lately. I’ve been baking which often makes me feel better. There’s something therapeutic about working in the kitchen. I’m glad I have that, anyway. Christmas doesn’t hold its usual allure for me this year. Last year I got my feelings hurt pretty badly and then beat myself up for hours on Christmas Eve – “no one cares about me” and all that. In some ways, the offense was rather silly, and in others, it makes sense and I suspect that most people would react negatively to it. But anyway, I’m sure that last years experience makes me a little less excited for this year. I’m trying not to set myself up for disappointment, but I find myself doing it all the time anyway.