Yes, my birthday was a month ago. I’m aware of that. But, today I bought my birthday present! When family members asked what I wanted for my birthday, I requested financial contributions to buy a netbook. And after Mike checked with a guy he knows that sells them, we went with one online from Future Shop. I got a great deal on a very small netbook – which is what I wanted – and in the end, we only have to pay $11 of our own money for it, even with taxes. Shipping was free, which made it even better.
So, very soon, I will be able to pack up my netbook when I take Jenny to kids club, and I can go down to Starbucks or even just stay there at the church and WRITE! Hopefully without major distractions. Or, if I’m at home and Mike is using the computer and an idea strikes, I’ll be able to take it into my room and write in peace.
I have been wanting a netbook for quite a long time and thought I’d be buying one with our tax refund next year, but with this deal and $214 in birthday money (thanks to parents, grandparents and siblings) I can have it now!! If it was our money, I would feel guilty right now about using it, but since I asked for it instead of other gifts, it would actually be worse to use it for other purposes. It has been my experience that birthday money not used for specific items for myself within one month of my birthday, gets directed into the bill-paying fund and disappears forever. Sad, but true. And sometimes not such a bad thing when we’ve really been in need and the money wasn’t given for a certain purpose. But if I did that with this money, the whole family (or those who contributed) would be asking all the time when I was going to get that computer. So, yay! I got it! 
Filed under: Life, in general, Melancholy, Money | Tags: debt, Money, vacations
It is never fun to realize in the middle of the night that you will be overdrawn in the morning. Just as I was drifting off, I remembered our mortgage coming out today and the fact that we did not have enough money in our checking account to cover it or the life insurance coming out in the next few days, either. This does not mean anything dreadful for us, just a transfer from our line of credit to cover it. But it was while I listened to account balances that it suddenly dawned on me – we’re well on our way to having a very large amount of money owed. If we had no plans for the next few years regarding our home, it may not matter, but as it is, there are many repairs and replacements to be made. Not only that, but we have no money in savings, which means that our tax refund this next year needs to be devoted to that so that we have money for a down payment on another house. The thought of bringing another baby into this 800 square foot home is a bit scary to me, at least in the long term view of things.
So with this eye opening experience comes the death of a dream: our kid-free vacation. I suddenly realized, at a quarter to one in the morning, that if we took the vacation we’ve been planning, we would be borrowing another large amount of money from our line of credit – probably well over a thousand dollars. Added to that is the fact that while Mike will have no problem getting time off, his company does not bank vacation hours, so we would have to pay him his missed wages out of our line of credit as well, adding another thousand or more to make our bill payments. I had been counting on paying off the line of credit in the spring with what will almost undoubtedly be a large tax refund. When I thought about it, I could hear advice that someone must have given me in the past: don’t spend money you don’t have. I should be able to count on the tax refund, but I don’t actually know how much it will be, or if there could be unexpected expenses coming up in the new year.
I really did feel like something had died. I still do. Mike and I didn’t have a “real” honeymoon and the only trips we’ve taken without any children were before Jenny was born. With each pregnancy, I committed myself to finding time to take a trip of some sort on our own before the new baby came. The unfortunate thing is that due to one thing or another, we never took that trip. This time was no exception to my committment, although the planning had started before I knew I was pregnant. And this time will apparently be no different from the past – I will have dreamt about this week or so alone with my husband and having a break from my kids – and I will have to give it up. If the plan was six months away, it might be possible to work our way out of the debt and scrimp and save for this vacation, but as it is, we have a limited window of opportunity. If we went ahead with our plan to go on a cruise – my ideal vacation as I wouldn’t have to do any work – we would have to go no later than the 3rd of January. Our latest plan was to go in the middle of December, just before Christmas. And now that dream must die, for the sake of being good stewards of our money.
This would not be nearly so sad if I thought it was possible to have this vacation sometime after the baby is born. If I knew that I could go as soon as I was done nursing this baby (after May of 2011), I might be able to wait and not feel this so heavily. But Mike’s parents were reluctant enough to take three children – I can’t imagine that they would be willing at all to take all four. We have friends who were going to take our kids for some of the time on this trip, but if we waited, it would be our four kids plus their four and the one or two more that they plan to have in a year or so.
So last night was spent crying and trying hard to fall asleep, feeling that this thing had died in me. This dream of having time with Mike and time away from the kids must be buried now. I don’t know how I’m going to fully give it up and trust God to provide. I’m trying to talk myself into thinking that it was a selfish and self-centred thought to want this vacation in the first place, that it certainly wasn’t what God would ever want us to do. That He would frown upon us leaving our children and spending money on something frivolous.
With all of this comes the sense of responsibility to dig us out of this debt, to work towards fixing the house up to sell (new windows, paint, doors, etc), to save money to go towards another house, to limit our spending considerably in the future. I keep asking myself where I should draw the line. Is it so bad that I should stop going to Bible study because I have to pay for childcare each week and gas to get there? Do I need to get a job? We lived with a huge amount of money against our line of credit for years because of buying our van and we just paid it off last year – I don’t want to live with a shadow over my head again. Of course, there are lights of inspiration in my mind – what if we get another low interest credit card and transfer everything over? But then the answer is still the same – we may not be paying as much interest, but it is still debt. And the thought that we would somehow get some unexpected financial blessing is foolish to me – God would surely not reward our debt. Another little problem we’ll soon be facing is that Mike’s paychecks will be going back to normal again. He has been bringing in an extra five to six hundred dollars in overtime each paycheck, but the overtime will be gone in a week or two and I’ll be faced with making ends meet and paying off debt with that much less money to work with.
I don’t have the answers. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I assume that I will cry a bit every day over my lost trip – the lost time. I spent too much time dreaming about our plan and not enough time looking at reality and now I’m going to pay for it.
Overheard in our house this morning:
“What are you guys eating?” I asked my daughter.
“It’s just the most final thing in the whole world,” says Jenny.
“You mean raspberries?”
“Yes, raspberries.”
Apparently raspberries are the most final thing in the world..whatever that means.
This afternoon:
Hearing scuffling and arguing, I told the kids to stop fighting.
“We’re not fighting,” Jenny says.
“Yes, we are fighting!!” yells Elias.
“No, we’re not!!”
“Yes, we are!!”
You get the picture. Elias is such a boy.
Filed under: Home Sweet Home, Illness and Injury | Tags: H1N1, pregnancy, swine flu
There was one day when I kissed my kids goodnight and cried, thinking I’d be in the hospital dying before they were awake the next morning. I have never felt so awful in my life and I was sure there was no way I would make it through. I know it sounds dramatic, but it was honestly felt. I just couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing them again. With that was the thought that even if I lived, I would lose this precious life I am carrying. My mother said that swine flu was a very bad thing to have when you’re pregnant and my doctor had told me that she knew one person who had miscarried. I tried all I could to not be afraid, but sometimes it’s easier to succumb to it than fight it off.
Late Tuesday night, after being so sure of death at the end of this, I threw up. It was pregnancy related and not from the flu at all and somehow I felt a lot better afterward. Maybe it was life reminding me of its determination to keep me, or my baby telling me - as Mike said – that I wasn’t about to take it down with me. The unfortunate thing is that overnight, I ended up with a splitting earache – a second trip to the doctor confirmed an ear infection. An ear infection!! My kids get ear infections, I do not. But apparently swine flu put me into a childlike state physically speaking (and at times, emotionally). Thankfully antibiotics fixed that problem quickly – I was over the pain after less than two days.
On Thursday the boys came down with swine flu. We called the doctor and after describing Erik’s symptoms, including respirations and heart rate, she prescribed tamiflu for him. I thought I was saved a third trip to the clinic, but when I got to the pharmacy, the prescription wasn’t there and I had to go in anyway to straighten things out. This was of course, breaking my bed rest yet again, but I figured that a drive to the pharmacy would be less work than watching the kids if Mike went to get it. It would have been were it not for the additional drive and walk into the clinic. I felt like falling over as soon as I got home.
If I’ve learned anything, it’s that swine flu takes it out of you. And swine flu plus pregnancy equals misery. But I’m getting over it – still coughing a bit and still very tired. I felt like tackling my kitchen today, it was in such a state, but after I got up and fed the kids breakfast and put on a movie for them, I knew it wouldn’t be happening. I’ll be lucky if I feel up to it by the end of the week. Mike is back to work today but was home all last week and we didn’t go anywhere for more than a few minutes – and that was just sending Mike out to get Tylenol or food. We had a few very kind women (my mother-in-law and sister-in-law included) who brought us meals and baked things. I have more cookies, buns and treats in my house right now than I have at any Christmas past. Just a few minutes ago, a friend and her daughter came by and gave us a bag full of snacks. My friend said that her daughter decided that they needed to get us a present – she is good friends with Jenny and has been since birth. It’s nice having so many people thinking about us and praying for us, but it will be even nicer to get out of here and see some of them.
We’re watching a move tonight and I’m just hoping I won’t regret it – for both the sake of the content and subject of the movie, and for staying up for the next few hours. Tomorrow afternoon I have my first maternity appointment and I’ll be able to confirm the health of this little life I’m carrying.
Mike, Jenny and I have swine flu. I’m on bed rest for three days and if I get any sicker than I am now, I’ll be hospitalized. I’m at greater risk for complications because of pregnancy and my risk of miscarriage is higher because of my fever. At the moment, I’m trying to rest and not worry, but I feel like death warmed over so it’s not very easy to do either. Also, Erik is at a higher risk of complications because of his asthma. So far he’s okay, but he’s definitely been exposed, so I don’t really expect him to stay healthy. We would appreciate prayer for peace of mind and safety for myself, the baby and Erik as well. I won’t be updating for awhile – not until I’m well out of the woods.
Filed under: Life, in general, Melancholy | Tags: depression during pregnancy, loneliness
I imagine that I must have half a dozen posts just like this one. Today is just a lonely day. Winter does not help, as going out just isn’t as fun as it was when we could go to the park and sit and play for hours in the sunshine. No, now the ground is covered in snow and people are staying inside.
I feel at a terrible disadvantage having three children. Many of my friends from church have one or two, mostly because they are behind us in having kids, rather than being totally finished having them. It is easy for two girls with two kids each to get together and visit – it is a lot harder when one has more than two. Houses get crowded and things end up broken and eventually they stop inviting you because your kids are just too much.
I love my children. I think they’re great. They’re entertaining, smart, kind. I don’t know why people are so afraid of them. The other half of the equation is that my house is a matchbox. If someone comes over with one mobile child, it’s not so bad, but even with two it’s noisy and crowded and uncomfortable.
I would like to sit here, keep on crying and feeling sorry for myself, but my kids picked today to wake up after less than an hour of napping. I so desperately need some rest, if only to get over this. A half hour of sleep can clear even my worst moods. But now it’s only an hour until Mike gets home and supper should be started soon.
I’m so exhausted. I’m so terribly lonely.
Filed under: Holidays, Illness and Injury, Kiddos, Life, in general, Mi familia | Tags: Blogging, flu, Life
I miss the old days – when words just floated through my fingers into the keyboard and extreme fatigue or nausea didn’t place a block in my head. But I have to re-start somewhere as I’m not about to give up. I’m getting a netbook soon and I’m planning great things with it – like spending one evening a week catching up on my writing – so I’m not going to quit blogging just yet.
Anyway, here is a recap of this past week (post-birthday entry).
Jenny got over her infection quickly, thank heavens, but all the kids are still a bit runny nosed. Erik was in the ER on Friday night because his breathing was so wheezy and I didn’t really feel like leaving it alone was in his best interest. He just now finished up a four day course of prednisone. He’s still coughing up a storm and I’m a little bit concerned that he might need antibiotics to get rid of it.
Friday after the hospital, I went to watch Mike play hockey with his dad. I don’t know who won. I spent the majority of the time taking Elias to the bathroom. I’m seriously thinking that he likes the bathrooms in the new arena so much that he’s peeing his pants just so we have to go there. The third time I took him, we stayed there for nearly fifteen minutes, drying his pants and underwear under the automatic dryers. Jenny kept saying she had to go again while we were there - I think this is because she really likes the sink and wanted an excuse to wash her hands one more time . My kids are so weird sometimes. The big perk to Friday night and that ER visit is that Mike set it up for the kids to spend the night at his parents’ house, since he was playing hockey and we didn’t know whether I would be going home or not. They left the game a bit early and I just had Erik for the rest of the night.
We had a lazy start on Saturday, mostly because of our late night on Friday and the fact that this was the first Saturday that Mike has had off for about a month. I honestly cannot remember much about the day, except that it was fairly surreal having only one child to deal with. We headed over to Mike’s parents’ house around eleven and played games and napped for most of the afternoon (read: Mike played games, I napped). We had a nice Mennonite meal for supper – corn, Farmer’s Sausage (don’t ask – I have no idea what to compare it to because I’ve never eaten it…it smells good cooking, anyway), homemade noodles and tilapia. Okay, so the tilapia was mostly for me and not really Mennonite at all. In fact, being blackened cajun tilapia, it was pretty much the total opposite of Mennonite food. Mike had yet another game on Saturday night, this time with his rec. team and I decided to go because we were already out anyway. Once again, I don’t know who won. I spent most of that game telling my children not to play with the caution tape strung all over the arena and feeling frustrated that one woman there was letting her grandson do whatever he wanted with it. And also, talking to my sister-in-law and her sister-in-law. I haven’t had much time to talk to Marcy lately and it was a real treat. She has the baby bug pretty bad so she’s enjoying our kids and my pregnancy and hoping to have a few more next year.
Sunday came too early as we had decided to go to the early service. We did this because our Thanksgiving meal was set for 3:30 that afternoon. Second service gets out after noon most weeks, which would give us about forty-five minutes to go shopping for salad fixings (since that was my offering to the meal), have lunch and get the kids home and to bed for a nap. We decided that although we would inevitably be very tired in the morning, we would force ourselves to get up and get to church by 9:15. Church was over by 10:30 and we headed out to get everything done. The great thing is that the kids were down, I had the salad more or less ready to go and we were able to have a nap, too.
Thanksgiving dinner went very well and we celebrated my birthday afterward. Again, I can’t remember much except that my sister-in-law is making me a nice crocheted toque (a hat, Americans ) and Mike’s parents gave me a nice bit of money to add to my computer fund. We left in time to get home and put the kids to bed in a hurry before Mike went to yet another hockey game – this time a church game. Three hockey games with three different teams in three days - yes, that’s my life. This time I stayed home (obviously, since I didn’t feel that leaving the kids home alone was a good idea) and was determined to be productive. I sat at the computer for at least forty-five minutes and suddenly started feeling sick to my stomach. It got worse over the next hour and I wondered whether I should stick to the plan or avoid any work. I finally decided that I would feel sick whether I folded laundry or swept the floor or laid on the couch reading. I swept under the table (I think my kids think we have a dog – they leave plenty to eat for him under there…come to think of it, having a dog would make my job easier at times). I noticed while I was sweeping that the walls were coloured on, spilled on, and scuffed up and decided that while I was at it, I should wash them. So, totally against my nature, I grabbed a bucket and some towels and started scrubbing. With the aid of a Magic Eraser (I love those things!), I got it looking much better. They are still in sore need of a coat of paint, but at least now if I feel like painting, the walls will be clean.
I finished up the evening by folding about four loads of laundry and getting another two or three going. In between the cleaning, I threw up a few times. It never did make me feel better.
On Monday we managed to sleep in until nine and then Mike got up with the kids and fed them and entertained them until after eleven, when I finally got up. The strangest thing is that with how sick I was on Sunday night, I expected to feel bad when I woke up. I felt totally normal on Monday morning – go figure! When we finally were up and dressed and fed, we went back to Mike’s parents’. My sister-in-law from out of town had wanted to play a particular game all weekend and Mike and his dad finally played it with her that afternoon, just before she and her husband had to head home. I played another game with my mother-in-law and brother-in-law while the kids napped (or rather, while they messed around and got into trouble about six times for not napping).
After more food, more dessert and a few more games, we went home and had supper. I talked to my brother after not talking to him for a few months and Mike slept a bit while the kids were watching a movie. This was also when Elias decided to somehow get the disk drive stuck open. We really can’t figure it out and will probably be taking it somewhere to get it fixed. Mike rented a movie that we didn’t like very much and we stayed up later than we should have. Nothing new there, anyway.
This morning at around seven, I woke up to hear Jenny yelling, “Oh, my! Oh, my! Oh, my!” I ran in and she said something about her “breathe” and that she was going to throw up. I rushed her into the bathroom and..nothing. I figured taking her back to my room would be smarter than sending her back to bed, just in case the puking really did happen at some point. It turned out to be a very good decision – although my sheets are now in the wash and my garbage can has vomit in it. After throwing up, we both went back to sleep and slept until after nine when the boys woke up. I’m now assuming that whatever was wrong with me on Sunday night is what was wrong with Jenny this morning, as she seems just fine now. I guess it’s just a really short-lived bug.
Anyway, I should probably be having a nap right now, but like I said, you have to start somewhere and now seemed like a good time for it. And anyway, I can always go to bed early tonight. Oh, right, Mike has another hockey game. Sigh.
Yesterday was my twenty-sixth birthday. I had a pancake in the morning, lasagna for lunch and a really wonderful meal for supper. My husband bought me a jigsaw for my birthday. Yeah, a saw, not a puzzle. I’ve been saying I want one for awhile now – he’s becoming a better listener all the time. I had a long nap in the afternoon and went to bed before midnight.
My meal in the evening was too good to not write about. We went to The Uptown Grill, which is our “never bring the kids” date restaurant. They use local products at least some of the time, seasonal produce all of the time and have a changing menu for each season. They also have a different theme each day – Mexican Mondays, Thai Tuesdays, Indian Wednesdays, Caribbean Thursdays and Surf and Turf Fridays. Those menus have one item per course – an appetizer, soup and entree as well as a drink special.
I started with sweet potato fries with chipotle aioli from the fall menu – I cannot resist trying sweet potato fries (or yam fries, as most of them actually are) whenever they are new on a menu. They were good – crisp with a thin batter on them, but the aioli was not as good or spicy as I’ve had before. I ordered soup with my meal and again chose from the fall menu. It was wild mushroom and leek soup, and while it had the fatty feel of mushroom soup, the leeks gave it a very nice flavour that mushroom soup doesn’t usually have. It was so satisfying that I wished later I had just had the soup to start and skipped the fries. I was pretty satisfied after the soup but still had an entree to at least start on. I ordered the black bean and corn enchiladas, which I have had before and which are not really anything like authentic enchiladas. They are amazing, though – made with corn tortillas, cilantro cream cheese filling and black bean and corn throughout, topped with lettuce, tomato and pickled red onions. I think I managed about four bites of that and decided I’d better quit. But then Mike asked whether they did anything for birthdays. They do the traditional free dessert and I couldn’t resist. I went with the Italian tartufo – espresso ice cream rolled in nuts and toffee bits, served with chocolate and caramel sauce and whipped cream. Ahhh, what a dessert. I didn’t get even close to finishing it, but it sure was good while it lasted. My pregnant stomach manages to fit a bit more than normal, but there’s always a point when one must stop, no matter how good it tastes. The sad thing is that I was hungry again within an hour and a half. I had a few cookies and some milk at home before bed.
It was a good birthday and I’ll still get to celebrate a bit more this weekend with the family. I did wake up yesterday morning with a nasty head cold, but thankfully, it didn’t manage to drag me down much.
On Monday night I took Jenny to emergency because she had been breathing fast all afternoon and evening – she has a chest infection and needs antibiotics and an inhaler – but they let us go home and she’s better already. I was thinking then that I just couldn’t handle it if they made us stay overnight or something. We had a late night, but at least got to sleep in our own beds.
Anyway, there is another year gone, and time just seems to keep going faster. At the moment, I wish it would speed up a little bit so I can get past the stomach issues of early pregnancy, but thankfully things seem to be getting better.
Filed under: Life, in general
Today, I need peace. I need my house to smell like butter melting with chocolate chips. I need quiet. I need my children to sleep a sound sleep. I need my stomach to calm down and my head to clear.
I need to focus my efforts creatively and wipe another to-do off the list. I need a deep breath of clean air. I need my husband to come home and talk to me. I need to make it through the day without spending any money.
I need a wholesome and satisfying meal in the evening that everyone will find enjoyment in. I need a deep sleep through the night, with sweet dreams and without interruptions. I need a day of rest tomorrow.
And yes, I will acknowledge that basically all of these things that I “need” are in reality just wants. But today makes me feel these things so strongly that I can’t bring myself to call them wants, even when I know that’s all they are.
Oh, my poor blog, I’m sorry. I just can’t seem to find the motivation to write these days. Or the time. Crafting and feeling sick has taken up my time lately and I have neglected you.
I am eagerly awaiting the end of certain responsibilities in my real life and looking forward to simpler times. I am waiting to get a deep breath of figurative fresh air. I am holding off on dreaming much lately because I can’t stand the pain of waking and finding these dreams to be impossibilities.
I am lonely as of late – spending a lot of time at home, wishing for friends who are not here. Trying to keep busy with craft swaps and cyber-friends so that I don’t think much about my loneliness. I’ve been here before – it’s nothing new – but I never imagined it happening again. With each child, my heart becomes fuller but my life becomes more isolated.
I yearn for a vacation – a real one. I worry that the vacation we are planning will fall through for one reason or another. That money will be too tight, that we won’t have people to watch our children or that we will just let it slide like we have in the past. It has always been my goal to go away for a bit when expecting another baby and yet it’s never happened. Sometimes I question my motives – ask myself whether it’s okay to want this so much, just a week with Mike and no one else.
My enthusiasm for projects I’ve started has waned, but I must finish. I’m in two more craft swaps and then it will probably be in my best interest to stay out of any unless they are very small. It’s enjoyable at times and the chance to make a sort of friend does seem to make my quality of life somewhat better for a time. But when it comes down to it, it’s just more to get done in the day, more money to spend, more things to fill the space I don’t have.
So, dear journal of sorts (you know how I feel about the word blog), I’m sorry I’ve left you alone for so long, but I simply do not have inspiration as of late. I only have a sick stomach and an overwhelmed mind.
